defeated supermom?

How appropriate to have stumbled upon this video on YouTube, by Sophianinam, while I was viewing my jumping vids. You see, I had my first (and hopefully the last) emotional break down during my lesson last Sunday. Who would have thought I’d be so affected? After all, it’s just riding and it’s not like I’m ever going to compete in a big event. The Jump Club was already something.


Yeah sure I get shouted and yelled at almost every single lesson like I can’t do anything right. In fairness, I’ve had really good days like the last week before the year ended. But I’m very passionate about the sport and it tests me physically and emotionally. I expect a lot from myself, and so does my instructor, so despite all the efforts and hard work, I seem to be going nowhere which really disappointed me to the point I just broke down. So embarrassing! I’m normally perceived as a nonchalant person.

A lot of thoughts in my head. All of a sudden I was thinking of work, too. Work 2011 pushed me to my limits, an experience I can’t seem to get over and shake off. In all my years with the company, that was the only time I felt absolutely useless and didn’t count. While still on the horse and hearing my instructor say something I didn’t do right, the frustration of not being good enough finally got to me. No matter how hard I’ve tried or worked…it’s not enough.

So in riding, I’ve put so much hours, days (and the cost, too) and heart in chasing my ridiculous childhood dream. Getting up early on Saturdays and Sundays to saddle soap my saddle and bridle before heading off for my riding when I should be waking up late because it’s the weekend. The physical pains from riding, not to mention the falls – black and blue with bruises. I pressure myself as much my instructor, perhaps more. Is it worth it? Do I really need to put myself through all this in pursuit of a dream?

So, do I give up? We shall see.